Love Letters 2 a King

In the Saloon of 1950..
 

 I've been watching you from across the room and all I keep thinking is what will it take to have your cologne all over me.

    You obviously work somewhere important and I can tell from your cuff links and alligator cut boots that you work diligently into the early hours of the morning to get the job done.

   A masterpiece in the flesh. Chiseled goatee and long clean painted hands, fingers and nails. Lips well proportioned and the low profile haircut heightens your style.

  If I float to you in this evening gown sewn from studious hands; if I catch your eye and hold the gaze until I am face to face; allow the deep cut of my dress that flows from my ankle wind up and disappear behind my waist; hold my head high as these pumps be the guide, will you allow me to have just one dance?

There's no wedding band to conceal your priority.

It's a quarter til 2am and I know you rather not be lonely.

Let me be your totem pole. Paint me with your frustrations; make me look elegant. Make me stand out from the rest of the girls itching to be made woman. I step to you as one, treat me as such.

Grip my body with strong hands and adjust my posture upon yours.

You don't even have to stare in my eyes in the dark.

Don't feel obligated.

Explore the mountains and valleys which would lay before you.

Contemplate right from wrong just to be turned on.

Admit how you like to be chased and captured to please.

Wake up before I

 

Push my hair to the side

Thank God for a beautiful woman now that Scotch has subside.

Gather yourself and walk out of my life.

Sometimes. Only some of the time a one night stand is alright.

A brisk walk on the wild side to ignite the soul inside.

Sometimes. This time. It's no crime.

A Coin of Lessons

Good afternoon Fam!

I know I could address yaw as the Kings and Queens you are for visiting my channel and even reading my blog. Bloggers come a dime a dozen and frankly these are a collection of my thoughts in the most raw, human form and I don't care to be politically correct or follow what is deemed popular. I write to share my thoughts and create a space for conversation. We can be real here. Lets vibe. Walk with me.

2/24/18

   Today I learned to not be so closed minded about receiving help even in the smallest form. I take the bus to work sometimes to keep my humility strong. I find it okay to let my guard down about public transportation and dwell with others who are in transition to owning a car and otherwise can't drive for other reasons. Its a great break from societal norms of what people think is popular and acceptable. I use to be ashamed of riding the bus because it meant I couldn't go where ever the party was without needing a ride afterwards. It can be embarrassing. Have you ever walked to a bus stop in front of coworkers that were lined up at the intersection during rush hour? You know what I'm talking about; it's 5pm and time to clock out, everyone rushing toward their chariot trying to be the first one out the parking lot and on the highway. Before they make it there, they have to wait for the walkers in the area to cross the street, make it to the bus shelter, with eyes gawking every step of the way. 

  You feel the eyes studying your "less fortunate" stroll and they feel you feeling them. Especially when they speed away burning rubber behind them, smiling, and laughing. It's easy to forget small blessings like driving when it really doesn't break you as a person. This is why I choose to take the bus every now and again; to remain grateful.

   

       Today however I read the schedule wrong and missed the bus that would had got me to work 30 minutes early. Instead I'd be that much late clocking in. I didn't get mad or frustrated like I normally would had done back when I was a frequent rider. It's something about becoming reliable on the system and knowing that at times there will be delays and mishaps that will still bring the impatient and pissed off side out me and anyone else in the situation. So I started praying for peace. I've taken hip hop out of my daily music routine and began listening to Miles Davis radio on Pandora. Smooth jazz, soul jazz and that station in particular provide a different bounce in my step. A wave of authority fills my soul at night, blessing me with memorable dreams and blissful mornings, especially when I'm on the wrong side of the bed. There's a level of peace which encompass me all day, something I did not experience until I took hip hop out completely. It's apart of the journey I'm on which you'll read about in my next post.

#LongWinded

    Anyway when the bus finally arrived this morning from the first location I asked the driver if there were any delays going on with their routes. I figured I made a mistake somewhere but after looking at the schedule again I realized I was outside long enough to see a bus at least passing me by which did not happen and therefore never showed up at all.

   She was a beautiful Queen of a woman with her natural hair sprouting high from her crown. After noticing I was slightly flustered, searching for my fare (In the midst of praying and not worrying I misplaced my money), she offered a pass for free. A four dollar save is no big deal. I thanked her and found a seat.

    This is where the shift happened. After arriving to the connector location I asked if she had a schedule for the bus I was transferring to. Again more questions. We found out the connector wasn't to arrive for another hour. I began planning for yellow cab, calling my supervisor, everything to get to work on time when Queen said in a quiet, matter of fact manner, "I'll call you an Uber. I'll pay for it."

  I don't know how to handle people doing things for me, especially something completely my responsibility. She was going out of her way on HER shift at HER job just to help me and I could hardly take it. I declined with reason and gave rationale as much as I could but Queen repeated, "let me help you. Let me do this for you."

   Those words stung like a fresh bumblebee out the honeycomb,  when they danced into my ears for the second time. Her words deliberate through her soft tone. Her break was over and time to resume the route. We exchanged information and one of her friends would be ensuring my cab was on the way. Before I could finish my sentence she said, "And don't pay me back. We have to look out for our own. Peace Queen."

With that she was gone.

    What am I suppose to do with that? I began questioning the legitimacy of getting a ride to work. Again, I took a deep breath and began to thank the most high for what had happened.

  Why is it a bid deal if a stranger helps us especially our own kind? Have we become so far removed from being selfless and able to honor our brothers and sisters? It is usually me that goes out the way for others; keeping promises, remaining patient when others are late or cancel at the last minute. I provide advise to many colleagues, family and friends that I often wonder who will be there for me when I need it.

   I rely upon the most high to supply my every need though at times human interaction, a physical shoulder to cry on is what I need most. My journey to womanhood I've learned to not be so closed off when help is offered my way. It's a process and honestly an issue I didn't recognize I had  in the first place.

    Today's lesson served as a blessing on two fronts: the giver and the receiver. Something was in Queen to extend herself to someone she didn't know but wanted to help. Maybe she was battling ways to not be selfish and boastful. Perhaps she needed help more than anyone could imagine and needed to demonstrate it by being selfless to a stranger. Or maybe the spirit of Wakanda is upon us and black people are moving closer to Brother Malcolm's sentiment, "I AM MY BROTHERS KEEPER!"

   Whatever it was her patience inspired me to examine myself deeper and truly grasp why her helping hand, slighted me a bit. Part of it stems from not ever wanting to owe someone in the future. People take advantage of that and hold it over as something to brag about than wanting to really help. Other times owing someone back can become a stressful in itself. Finding any moment to pay someone back just to drop off the extra baggage.

    On the other hand, my pride can rise higher than it should and I just don't want the help. I rather struggle alone than to let someone else feel victorious for having to help me out of pity or spite. I do things the hard way sometimes though I am quick to lend a hand to others. I just don't want to be in the way or a hassle for anyone. Why I feel like that is an entirely different post in itself that I may write about later.

     Still I am thankful for today and its power. The most high is always looking out for me in bigger more apparent ways than I ever paid attention to before. I have to allow others to help me for whatever the reason because I certainly don't need one when I'm helping others. I'm grateful for the moment of clarity to confront issues I forgot existed that would have remained dormant and hidden. February 2018 has been the month of Self Preservation. I have faced many negative points of myself through the art of forgiveness and I am only getting started on this journey to Womanhood. Today I am blessed.

Peace

-Para

D.P IV

The last three nights of dreaming in dream land:

11/20

   I was reliving the moments that a poet friend invited me to her version of Legendary Ladies Ball. The night before we shared deep stories with our sister friends that may have changed our lives forever. (In real life I remember feeling hesitant to share anything whilst realizing that I was not alone in the dealings I've had with life) however in my dream I was more active in expressing every flaw and buried skeleton in my past with them. 
    With a particular sister friend (who is currently a piercing and tattoo professional) was holding my hand toward the end of the ceremony where we burned every bad memory in a bonfire pit. Granted, that actually happened but this time she was squeezing the shit out of my hand. It was turning beet red. No matter how had I tried to get out of her grip there was no shaking it. No one around seem to notice how uncomfortable I was and she definitely didn't notice how awkward things were becoming.
    Toward the end of the moment, her grip loosened while others threw out their memories sharing smiles, hugs and tears with one another. She looked at me and said, "NOW GO BE FREE," with a different smile I've never seen. In a blink of an eye her gaze was gone and turned to walk away with other sister friends.


11/21 
    I woke up crying or wailing and moaning if you will. My eyes were dry and I didn't exactly have the emotional feelings of sadness but in dreamland, there definitely were tears and lots of them. I don't want to write it because even now I am in denial but someone close to me passed away. Our relationship has grown since I've become an adult and he has become one of my favorite people to receive encouragment.
   The dream went quick as if I could roll over and it be over. One second we were laughing about politics, reminiscing about family and good times and then like a snap of a finger, the faint smell of hospital beds, opaque walls and despair flooded my senses. I saw him for a split second laying there with tubes running everywhere, but tears immediately drowned my vision. I felt empty and lost. In the few moments of crying out loud I awoke to an alarm sounding from my phone and just like that it was over.

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   Love and lost goes hand in hand at times. There's a saying that mentions a death resulting in a new lust for life. Think about it; during a break up the victim either delves deeper in their work or studies, or the take up a new hobby replacing the loss in place of the void. Most people begin a rigorous workout schedule with diet plans and eating habits. At least that's what I did when I went through heartbreak. That coupled with new poems completed every night to ease the pain. 
    In my first dream I think my conscious is reminding me to let go and move on. Everything I placed into that bonfire that evening was so difficult to write and in turn destroy. Little did I know that was only the beginning of the battle. I was letting go physical parts of the struggle, but emotionally moving forward is difficult and an entire new level of maturity to accept.
   The sister friend holding my hand represented the issue; her agonizing grip was the letting go part. As the pain seeped deeper in my hand, the pain symbolized how long it could stay and how ugly its pressure could destroy relationships with other people, ultimately with myself. Kind of weird saying that since I am myself and I generally love myself and get along with myself, however experience has taught me that you can't love anyone else the right way until you've done it correctly to you first. In more ways than one. ;)

 In the second dream I have realized that time is infinite and minute at the same time. We are all given the same 24 hours logically. but how we spend it differs person to person. The moments we share with loved ones, no matter how often for how ever long, does not matter when death draws near. I know it can rear its scary face regardless of age, truth is we all have to deal with its existence.. or lack thereof.  I am appreciative of every moment we have together and I'm not looking forward to that unfortunate phone call I pray to be much later than sooner but really, what can I do about it?

Thank you for reading. I don't know what the Most High has in store but I am writing everything down. I'm leaving you with a quote from Collateral Beauty, "we long for love, wish for more time and fear death."
    

Peace. Love. Light.
    

DP. III

Good afternoon readers!
   Last night's episode was full of twists and turns and 'wtf' moments. It's ironic how now that I've begun to document my dreams I can't actually sleep. After the first night I anticipated dreaming and sharing them I only slept five hours that night. So from that night on I added a new sleep regime to my routine. Hot tea and a warm shower, followed by lavender scented pillow cases and soft jazz really compliments heavy eyes after a few minutes laying there.
  I really wish I could remember enough action to share today. I did in fact dream and awoke feeling like another awesome journey conjured from my restless mind, still nothing concrete to express. So today I will discuss a few facts about how and why we dream, including lucid dreaming and how astral projection is slightly different; metaphysically and your "awaken" state.
   
OK. I WAS GOING TO EXPLAIN THESE THINGS BUT IT IS ABSOLUTELY TOO MUCH TO PARAPHRASE WITHOUT BEING CONFUSING OR LEAVING OUT A MINOR/MAJOR KEY FACTOR. 
   Just as I was outlining today's post the level of DEEP already, had me loving the idea of staying right in the shallow end. I'm thinking, "okay, I'll keep it simple and inform them about dreams and how to be a comfortable happy dreamer." That turned into discussing reality and its perception to thought and consciousness. In the words of Shrek, this topic has "layers like onions." It certainly isn't a sweet cake-walk sharing ideologies I found to be interesting and I'm just not the kind of person that will introduce something without a back story, unless it can be avoided. Frankly, dreams, reality, consciousness, lucid dreaming and astral projection, chakrah building, (shit what else) the proposal of the 'Big Bang Theory' vs teleological, ontological philosophies...
  
I just may begin a new post specifically about this topic discussing everything in chapters.

Anyway I'm out.

Peace

D.P. 2

   I'm a little hazy about last night's dream. Maybe I forced myself into dreaming and anticipating writing something down because what I remember is really foggy.

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2.14.17

Something about a car accident or moments before impact I was with my family. We were laughing and headed somewhere out of town, when something big was coming right at us from the opposite lane.

But then it faded to a new scene.

This time I was sitting at a desk in an office setting writing. My hair was wavy fanning around my shoulders and a single strand kept falling in my eye. It was very annoying.

Then it faded again.

This happened a couple more times but I just can't remember anything that happened.

********************************

Maybe this episode is telling me that life turns on a dime. Anything can and will happen with and without God's interference, and we have to be prepared to keep going. There will be distractions. There will be times when quitting and giving up is the better answer but if you persevere through the tough times you will appreciate it in the end. We all need some aspiring story to help motivate us, why not write your own?

Walk into what the Most High has for you and WIN.

Peace,

ParaLectra Divine

Dream Psychology 1.

I have dreams almost every night and for the past month I always wake up sharing what I saw with my significant other. Playfully, he said I should document what I dream and go back to define them. I laughed it off, but his idea stuck with me. So here it is; Dream Psychology. I imagine this journey to be therapeutic as I begin to delve into deep honest parts of my mind that I believe the Most High is giving me.

For the sake of time last night will be 11pm-8am the following day, which will be the day of a new post.

Sleep Well
 
2.12.17
Last night's dream was my high school reunion.
I wore my purple senior prom dress.
My hair was loosely folded in a bun.
I had purple eyeshadow and light pink lipstick.
**************************************************
I toured the old high school visiting the classrooms I once dreaded, now longing for the times my only responsibility was homework and getting home safe.

An old friend throughout my school years greeted me with smiles I immediately felt to be fake and forced. Her eyes shined a different hue than the beautiful gown she had worn. I felt jealousy. Although she was the talk of the evening, I didn't understand her silent beef with me.

I had to fake it. The time we had for the engagement was a long and drawn out one. The people remembered as old friends did not sit well with as I didn't truly connect with anyone in high school. Everyone feeling like the time was perfect for a rebirth in friendship and now getting old, I was lonely and wanted to be back where I belonged.

My significant other was not with me. I did not see him around and I wasn't alarmed.


*************************************************
I believe the dream was showing my fears of not being successful by the time our high school reunion came around. All the people I remembered and called a friend are really just people I know and happen to see often until we all graduated.

The envious feelings were actually coming from me. The slight angst toward myself in not accomplishing the things I want in life thus settling upon competition I found in my own mind.

I should not be afraid of attending any reunion and go for the sake of reuniting for one night with those who are continuing to run the race of success, liberty and happiness. It does not matter who called me friend or how much I have in the bank. We are alive and still figuring out all that life has to offer.

The Magic Number of Three

      They always say coincidences happen in three's. People are more familiar with things happening in three's when death is involved. I know in my twenty-six years of living I have found this to be true. Recently, Doris Roberts, mother from "Everybody Loves Raymond" passed away. Couple days later WWE Women's Champion and one of my favorite wrestlers, Chyna suddenly died. To add insult to injury, I only knew about their deaths because Prince died the following day. It was a Thursday to be exact. Meanwhile the prince of England was in NYC appointing the next royal heir of hierarchy while millions of people mourned the loss of "The Artist Formally Known as Prince." Don't worry, this post isn't about conspiracy and how a higher government power may or may not have had anything to do with their deaths, all I know is things happen in three's very particularly in my life.
    Back in high school I met this guy who had just moved to the neighborhood. He was quiet and I could tell he had a lot going on that none of us junior/seniors could ever imagine. Our biggest issues were dealing with parents getting divorced, prom, and graduating, but I knew there was something different in his eyes. We became friends and over time we shared secrets with one another creating a bond that could never be broken.
      In 2008 I moved away and lost contact with him. Life moved on and I paraded toward a college experience filled with friends, self-discovery, strengths and weaknesses. Few years later, one day I was walking my dog on the trail we had marked around my apartment complex. I assumed everything would be the same that day; workout and meditate, feed the dog, go for a walk, come back and do some homework. This time my dog was pulling me in another direction. I didn't understand why she wanted to go off the path but once I began listening, the back of my mind told me to go where she wanted. Finally, I listened and walked her down the right path (because the route was literally toward the left) my friend from high school called out my name and came jogging into view. WTH??
     We stayed in contact as much as we could but like coincidences we lost track again. I was progressing further in my writing career, traveling around the Midwest meeting new people, realizing just how much I enjoyed being a freelance journalist writing and interviewing artist of all types. I created this blog and posted much of my admiration for the world to see.
    Third time was a charm last year in 2015 when I wrestled with the idea of deactivating my Facebook page. I was dealing with stress and a recent breakup and I just didn't want to be bothered by anyone or anything. Within 15 minutes of deleting my page something kept pulling at my ears to get back online. I kept questioning WHY? There isn't anything on there for me, I don't want it. Again finally I listened and AS SOON AS I LOGGED BACK IN GUESS WHO WAS IN MY INBOX? The man who has become my backbone and best friend. Everything happens in three's for me. Specifically with this one guy situation. I didn't realize how important he was until after the second time we reconnected. Still, life goes on.

Normal transition here.

   Amos Brown passed away early November 2015 leaving behind loyal listeners and a host of political leaders and community activist here in Indianapolis. He was a radio personality on AM 1310 "The Light" and host of Afternoons with Amos. He was the voice for all citizens in the city more so for the black demographic. He kept it real no matter what. I remember meeting him for the first time at Ivy Tech Community College for a speaker series. His words still motivate me to this day, "never stop writing and follow your dreams." When I heard of his passing I was devastated. His death was so sudden leaving many feeling empty not just for his death but the voice of the black community. No one ever said he would be replaceable, not even Pastor Michael K. Jones host of Community Connection, which he took over in March after Brown had passed.
   When given the opportunity to host the show, Jones said, “I'm fortunate to stand on something I didn't build, to be able to continue something I didn't start. I could never fill Amos's shoes. I just hope to be a voice that his shoes will say, 'That's what I want to see after me.' That's the best I can offer." (Indianapolis Recorder) Tuesday July 26, 2016 he passed away from a heart attack. I didn't tune in as often as I did when Brown ran the show but I can honestly say the Community Connection was a band-aide over the loss. He didn't shy away from criticism nor did he come on air trying to be someone he was not. He genuinely cared for the people by allowing honest feedback from new and old callers and listeners.
     I heard the news of his death today when I decided to tune in and listen. I was expecting to hear something about the shootings that happened yesterday in broad daylight. Not of him passing away, leaving an even bigger scar over the wound Brown had left. All of our leaders are dying! Black on black killings continue everyday during this hot summer. "Who are we to lean on now?" is the thought that ran through my mind upon realizing the truth. Just take a look at what happened YESTERDAY:7/26/16 IN BROAD DAY.
   Everybody should know by now to not stop at that gas station. The shooting continued further down at the next station on 38th and Sherman. SMH. A wise person said, "Our leaders are being taken by the Most High maybe because the battle isn't there's, it is ours." Dammit. In the words of Pac, "they say it ain't no hope for the youth but the truth is there ain't no hope for the future." Everything happens in three's.
   Last Saturday my family and I buried my aunt after 53 years of life. My best friend buried his grandmother of 90 yrs on Friday. Sunday was silent. Monday Pastor Mike Jones did his last Community Connection radio show, went to bed that night and passed away Tuesday Morning. It happens in three's. Yet still life goes on. 
   I don't want to end this on a negative tone. It is truly up to my generation to be the leaders for the kids growing up behind us. We have to soak up all the wisdom our parents and grandparents have while they are still around in order for us to keep going. The media tricks all of us, whether you want to believe it or not, to forget the morals and values we were taught as a child. Discretion is pretty much nonexistent these days; everything is out in the open. I know for myself that these things are suppose to happen. We are suppose to have chips in our debit/credit cards and pets. We are suppose to be on one television network ridding away with basic antenna channels all for a flat screen TV and a cable provider. Most people are #firestickswaggin now-a-days. All I can do is pray and grind myself to be in a position to lead the youth in the path of righteousness.
All I got is me.
#WonLuv